Posts Tagged ‘writing’

post regret

January 9, 2014

I have just posted a new story.  It’s a genderbend het.  It’s explicit.  It’s nervewracking.

I should never post while there is time during the day that I can worry that nobody likes me, that they really  hate me and I should go eat some worms.

I don’t know why I post when I feel so terrible the day of posting.

*goes to hide*

Note:  I had a lovely comment for another fic which while it doesn’t exactly make me feel better about my current issues, it does make me feel better in general.



June 28, 2013

I’ve been getting into a new fandom recently.

It’s on the small side, and there isn’t a lot of genderbending fics out there.  (Internet rule 63 – if it exists, there is genderbending.)  I’m not hugely into genderbending, but I do find it interesting, especially if done well.  Anyway, I was wondering about this lack and went through some mental exercises, because I immediately got snagged on it.  But the thing is, it also made me really uncomfortable.

Main characters are male.  The one who’s POV we follow is a guy in his middle-30’s who is a career superhero – let’s call him K.  K’s career is in the dumps, he’s in the cusp of being replaced by a  younger guy (the other main character, whom we shall call B), he’s been a widower for some time, his daughter is back in the small town he grew up with his mother.  K’s also a bit of a drinker, he doesn’t cook, he’s socially oblivious and loud.  I’m trying to make him a woman, and suddenly, all of these traits which are acceptable in a man become more difficult to accept in a woman.  (Which just goes to show how entrenched I am in gendered thinking, I guess.)

I don’t think I’m alone in this.  A woman who drinks a little, is devoted to her job to the exclusion of her child and yet is unsuccessful at said job, has no domestic abilities, and can’t handle herself socially (but has a really big heart) would be much more harshly judged.  I judge that characterization quite a bit.   Same personality, different genders/sexes, different reactions.  Each one of these things, especially the child piece, I find difficult to accept in a woman.  (I mean, I find this sort of hard to accept in a man, but less so.  I think I just failed feminism.)

( It kind of sort of brings up a comparison to Cagney and Lacey (I think the Sharon Gless character, Cagney?), and while I never really watched the show, I was definitely aware of the characters.  Maybe I’m thinking about that because there aren’t a lot of other shows that feature two women as protagonists (as opposed to two men, or a man and a woman).)

I think it’s easy to make the foil character, B, a woman, perhaps too easily.  B is career driven, calculating, sort of mean to the main character, revenge-driven.  It’s funny because those things are unlikeable in either gender/sex, but somehow, less likeable in a woman.

Eventually, though, they learn to work together through the Power of Friendship and Trust.

I may actually write this, but it would definitely only be an exercise for me – a little bit to see where I could take the story, a little bit to see if I could actually do it, and a little bit to see if I can get over myself and my gendered way of thinking.  I’m leaning toward the theory that if something makes you uncomfortable, you should write it, because there’s going to be a lot of juice there.

One thing’s for certain.  Nobody, maybe not even me, is going to like it.

And that’s a bit of a shame.

(W thinks I just put too much thought into it.)


February 5, 2013

I was just sitting around, knitting a sock (which is just a lot of round and round for me now), and I looked down at the thing I was working on.  Damn it.  I wasn’t paying a lot of attention and a bunch of stitches were all splitty and terrible-looking.  I didn’t want to unknit (tink) and go back, so I though I’d just go forward and fix it when I returned to that point.

Then I realized something.  Life’s a lot like that.  If you make a mistake, you’ve just got to go forward and got to fix it as it comes by, if you can.

On the mornings I spend yelling at the kids (like this one) or being pissed about something else wrong with my life – there’s always the desire for a do-over.  But you can’t.  But there’s always the afternoon or the next day to try to come up with a better plan and be kinder and more forgiving to everybody, including myself.

(I know the analogy isn’t perfect.  Knitting and writing aren’t really like that.  You can go backwards, you can edit, you can fiddle with it endlessly.  But there’s also a time when you need quit worrying about all the mistakes you’ve made and just let it go – which is another imperfect life analogy.)

Guilty, for lovin’ you

April 14, 2012

Oh, man.  I am so guilty.   My current guilty pleasure is a piece of fanfic that is so terrible, I can’t bear to mention it because I’m afraid of the judgements of other people.  But it makes me laugh so hard and I want to write the author and ask if that’s what they meant to do – because if it is, it is genius.  Poorly edited, unspell-checked, poorly punctuated, run-on genius.

I’ve read it a bunch of times already, and found pleasure in each reading.  It’s not my thing – nothing of what is written is my thing – the kinks, the power differential, the terrible out-of-character characterizations, the complete vocalizations of every single sound they make while making out.  None of that works for me.  And yet, as whole, it kills me.  I don’t understand my reaction to this piece.  It might be good, it might be terrible, and it just might be so awesome, my only available reaction is astonishment and laughter.

Of course, it being fanfic, I can’t be bothered to read the stuff they’ve written that’s not within my fandom to check to see if this is genius carries through to other writing.  (Although I’ve read a bunch of their original characters with no ill effects.)

I wish I could share, but I just can’t.  You’ll just have to believe me on this one.   (Don’t worry.  It’s not you.)