Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

future career on hold

January 13, 2014

I returned to work recently and was talking to a friend. I was this close *holds fingers millimeters apart* to not returning. I said all sorts of bold words, even going so far as to boast about the possibility of me writing porn to not return.

“You know,” says I, “all that 30 Shades of Grey.”

She thinks a minute while I’m talking and then corrects me. “It’s 10 Shades of Grey.”

She talks some more and than I realize something. “Hey! It’s 50 Shades of Grey!”

So I guess writing that erotica for cash money is pretty far off if I can’t even nail down the title of what I’m aiming to copy. *headdesk*

On a similar note, I did get some good notes on the bit I wrote.  Which is a relief.  Because writing explicit scenes is not like writing about space travel.  (Only a couple hundred? people have experienced space travel.)  And people do like to compare with their own experiences.  So, I’m glad I’m not so far out there as to be unbelievable/unreadable.


post regret

January 9, 2014

I have just posted a new story.  It’s a genderbend het.  It’s explicit.  It’s nervewracking.

I should never post while there is time during the day that I can worry that nobody likes me, that they really  hate me and I should go eat some worms.

I don’t know why I post when I feel so terrible the day of posting.

*goes to hide*

Note:  I had a lovely comment for another fic which while it doesn’t exactly make me feel better about my current issues, it does make me feel better in general.

Things nobody wants

October 9, 2013

I’m all twitchy because I just posted a little story.   And I can guarantee you it is something nobody wants.  I checked before I posted and there isn’t much else like it.  It’s a crossover between a couple of different fandoms.  Nobody wants crossovers, nobody wants gen fic, nobody wants this story.  This however, has never stopped me from writing anything.  It has, more likely, stopped me from pursuing a career in writing because I’m aware of the small appeal my tastes run.

Anyway, here are some pictures of the latest scarf I’m working on to distract myself from the fact that my readership count will be exactly the same next week as it is today.  Which is zero.

This scarf is something that thousands of people wanted, though.  Wanted enough to make.  It’s turning into a great knit.  Not difficult to memorize, relatively easy stitches, clear pattern.  A dream.

Clapotis by Kate Gilbert.  I have wanted to make this scarf for a long time.  I think I posted it to my facebook account a couple of years ago, even.  I found the yarn last year.  But I somehow couldn’t start it.  Why, you ask?

You know how it gets sometimes when you’ve got all the right ingredients and it somehow is just you that stands in the way of something awesome?  Yeah.  That’s me.  But I got over my knitting insecurity (mostly because I don’t have a lot of other projects going on right now and the ones I do I’m even more afraid of screwing up).

It doesn’t look like much, because there’s a magic trick at the end, but here is where I am right now:


The yarn is Baa Sonoma, My Sweet Valentine colorway.  (And yes, those are the same colorway, which is why I’m having to alternate balls of yarn so it looks cohesive.)  It is yummy and just a little sheepy.  Disregard that last adjective if you don’t understand what I means.  I didn’t really either before I started knitting seriously.


June 28, 2013

I’ve been getting into a new fandom recently.

It’s on the small side, and there isn’t a lot of genderbending fics out there.  (Internet rule 63 – if it exists, there is genderbending.)  I’m not hugely into genderbending, but I do find it interesting, especially if done well.  Anyway, I was wondering about this lack and went through some mental exercises, because I immediately got snagged on it.  But the thing is, it also made me really uncomfortable.

Main characters are male.  The one who’s POV we follow is a guy in his middle-30’s who is a career superhero – let’s call him K.  K’s career is in the dumps, he’s in the cusp of being replaced by a  younger guy (the other main character, whom we shall call B), he’s been a widower for some time, his daughter is back in the small town he grew up with his mother.  K’s also a bit of a drinker, he doesn’t cook, he’s socially oblivious and loud.  I’m trying to make him a woman, and suddenly, all of these traits which are acceptable in a man become more difficult to accept in a woman.  (Which just goes to show how entrenched I am in gendered thinking, I guess.)

I don’t think I’m alone in this.  A woman who drinks a little, is devoted to her job to the exclusion of her child and yet is unsuccessful at said job, has no domestic abilities, and can’t handle herself socially (but has a really big heart) would be much more harshly judged.  I judge that characterization quite a bit.   Same personality, different genders/sexes, different reactions.  Each one of these things, especially the child piece, I find difficult to accept in a woman.  (I mean, I find this sort of hard to accept in a man, but less so.  I think I just failed feminism.)

( It kind of sort of brings up a comparison to Cagney and Lacey (I think the Sharon Gless character, Cagney?), and while I never really watched the show, I was definitely aware of the characters.  Maybe I’m thinking about that because there aren’t a lot of other shows that feature two women as protagonists (as opposed to two men, or a man and a woman).)

I think it’s easy to make the foil character, B, a woman, perhaps too easily.  B is career driven, calculating, sort of mean to the main character, revenge-driven.  It’s funny because those things are unlikeable in either gender/sex, but somehow, less likeable in a woman.

Eventually, though, they learn to work together through the Power of Friendship and Trust.

I may actually write this, but it would definitely only be an exercise for me – a little bit to see where I could take the story, a little bit to see if I could actually do it, and a little bit to see if I can get over myself and my gendered way of thinking.  I’m leaning toward the theory that if something makes you uncomfortable, you should write it, because there’s going to be a lot of juice there.

One thing’s for certain.  Nobody, maybe not even me, is going to like it.

And that’s a bit of a shame.

(W thinks I just put too much thought into it.)

knit vs fic

May 30, 2013

Why fanfic is and is not like knitting.

In a way, knitting fulfills a similar role to writing.  It’s a nice hobby, it fulfills a creative urge, and I get to make things I show to people.

But it’s not the same.  With knitting, I have a physical object.  I have, as yet, (knock on wood) to abandon a project without making the final decision of frogging it.  I’m not embarrassed about it, hell, I even have a local group I take my projects to.  (Knitting, for whatever assumptions other people might have about it, usually doesn’t involve assumptions about poorly executed pr0n (regardless of the actual existence of said pr0n.))

As for writing, well, I’ve got a double sh8tton of unfinished work.  Things I know I might never finish, for whatever reason.

I’m hip-deep in a story and I’m wrestling it into shape.  I don’t know if I’ll ever make this story presentable.  The way to finish is unclear, there is no pattern.  It’s easier to avoid, fewer people to show it to, harder to get into, and it’s best if I do it alone.

So right now, while I’m between projects, I’ll get to wrestling this story.  What happens, whether or not I finish, regardless of how much effort I put into it, is another question.

Clean this!

February 8, 2013

W and I got into a conversation about cleaning.  (It really was a conversation and not a loud conversation aka fight.)  He admitted that I did most of it.   That really didn’t bother me – what bothered me is when I clean the thing and then he says something like “Oh, yeah, that really needed cleaning.”

I said that really annoyed me, because if he noticed it was dirty, then he should clean it himself.

He said that he only says something because he’s noticed that I am actually cleaning, or it’s a little damp or something.  Then he said IT.  He said that he actually rarely notices if anything is cleaner or dirtier than anything else.  He’s trying to encourage me or make me feel good about the effort I’m putting in.

HE DOESN’T NOTICE.  (Let that echo around my head a bit.)

Why am I cleaning then?  Is it just for me?  For the kids?  Then I should own it.  But I should stop cleaning if it’s for him.  Because he doesn’t notice.


Less cleaning = More writing/knitting time.

And on that note: the baby hat for the mitts that I made earlier.


I had no idea where to put the mitts to make it look like an ensemble.  Does it look better this way?


You know, more active and youthful?  Suitable for a new baby?

(I obviously don’t know what I’m doing here with the photos.  So much for knitblogging.)

Yarn: Spud and Chloe Sweater, pattern Simple Baby Cap 1 from Itty-Bitty Hats by Susan B. Anderson, mitts from Susan B. Anderson’s Ravelry page.


February 5, 2013

I was just sitting around, knitting a sock (which is just a lot of round and round for me now), and I looked down at the thing I was working on.  Damn it.  I wasn’t paying a lot of attention and a bunch of stitches were all splitty and terrible-looking.  I didn’t want to unknit (tink) and go back, so I though I’d just go forward and fix it when I returned to that point.

Then I realized something.  Life’s a lot like that.  If you make a mistake, you’ve just got to go forward and got to fix it as it comes by, if you can.

On the mornings I spend yelling at the kids (like this one) or being pissed about something else wrong with my life – there’s always the desire for a do-over.  But you can’t.  But there’s always the afternoon or the next day to try to come up with a better plan and be kinder and more forgiving to everybody, including myself.

(I know the analogy isn’t perfect.  Knitting and writing aren’t really like that.  You can go backwards, you can edit, you can fiddle with it endlessly.  But there’s also a time when you need quit worrying about all the mistakes you’ve made and just let it go – which is another imperfect life analogy.)

pesky thinky

September 1, 2012

I just finished a fic for Edgar Rice Burroughs Mars/John Carter (2012).  It’s sort of interesting to be in a fandom where the source material is largely out of copyright.  Kind of freeing.

I’ve been thinking about this because I’ve had a couple of stories for a couple of fandoms just sitting in behind my teeth that I really feeling I can’t commit to paper because the author is very anti-fanfic.  This is not a complaint.  I just have this creative impulse and now I’m trying to figure out what to do with it.  The author is the author and I want to respect their wishes.

What is funny to me is that despite these known wishes, people still write fanfic for these authors in what I feel is a fairly open way.

I can see both sides of it.  People do what they want and the likelihood of the creators finding these works are very small.  Still, the creator has expressed a strong sentiment against this.

The creators have indicated that they can’t do anything if I were, to say, share it locally with friends and family while I try to improve my craft.  (One of them might have even done the same thing.)  Thing is, I share through the internet.  So I’m wondering if the thing to do would be to write and post under a password or something.  Another thing I’m working through is how much I can twist the material around to make it an original seeming thing for pausible deniability and still make it the story I was thinking about.  Don’t know any of this yet.  The respect for authorial wishes is currently winning – but the desire to get this story out of my head is very strong.

Why can’t all the fandoms I write for be out of copyright?

Maybe I should try to get interested in some ancient myths or something.

Guilty, for lovin’ you

April 14, 2012

Oh, man.  I am so guilty.   My current guilty pleasure is a piece of fanfic that is so terrible, I can’t bear to mention it because I’m afraid of the judgements of other people.  But it makes me laugh so hard and I want to write the author and ask if that’s what they meant to do – because if it is, it is genius.  Poorly edited, unspell-checked, poorly punctuated, run-on genius.

I’ve read it a bunch of times already, and found pleasure in each reading.  It’s not my thing – nothing of what is written is my thing – the kinks, the power differential, the terrible out-of-character characterizations, the complete vocalizations of every single sound they make while making out.  None of that works for me.  And yet, as whole, it kills me.  I don’t understand my reaction to this piece.  It might be good, it might be terrible, and it just might be so awesome, my only available reaction is astonishment and laughter.

Of course, it being fanfic, I can’t be bothered to read the stuff they’ve written that’s not within my fandom to check to see if this is genius carries through to other writing.  (Although I’ve read a bunch of their original characters with no ill effects.)

I wish I could share, but I just can’t.  You’ll just have to believe me on this one.   (Don’t worry.  It’s not you.)

my very own private oedo

April 2, 2012

So I watched the entire run of an anime series called “Miracle Train: Welcome to the Oedo Line.”  It’s a little embarrassing to admit how much I enjoyed it.  The premise, frankly, is a bit out there.  Embodiments of various train stations on a particular train line in Tokyo try to solve the problems of women riders.  The embodiments are, naturally, beautiful men – each following a particular stereotype (the young one, the serious one with glasses, the flirty popular one, etc.) based on some  actual trait of the train station (i.e. the first station opened is the leader and also where the government offices are located).

I’m just going to lay it out there.  I wondered if I could watch this with my train-loving son.  So I watched it.  Conclusion: my son may not be a wild fan, but for me, I was kind of flabbergasted.  How could a series conform to all my tastes?  How do they know?  Beautiful men, check.   Wanting only to help me, check.  Factoids about travel and transportation and local color, check.  Discussions of food, check.  Heartwarming domestic stories, check.  Interesting story twists, check.  Historical dress episode, check.  Ability to make fun of itself, double check.  It moved along a bit slowly, but still.  I loved it.

I have a whole idea of how to move this series into New York City’s subway system.   Maybe moving a little past helping to solve women’s problems, maybe helping to solve other problems in the city.  But, because this is America, the aesthetics are different.  You’d not have such beautiful men, so much as more rugged types, the kind who wear Timberlands while they play basketball.  Still, very attractive.  And because this is New York City, there’d be all sorts of ethnicities and accents.

Maybe each of the stations would come from different lines.  It would be a bit difficult because the stops aren’t named quite like they seem to be in Japan.  But here we go.  There’d be a museum stop (American Museum of Natural History comes to mind and he’d be called AMNH or just named “Roosevelt”, but the Cloisters stop might be okay) who’s a little nerdy but tremendously energetic, there’d be Chinatown who is serious but plays a mean game of basketball, Little Italy who is kinda goodfella-like, Harlem who is awesome and fun and plays basketball with Chinatown, City Hall who is wonky, Wall Street who is a bit of a pretty boy, some stop along Park or 5th avenue, Broadway, Chelsea who is a little beefy but looks great in leather pants, it could go on and on.  There would be an episode with some conflict of the Sandhogs, and another with Grand Central Station and rivalries with ferries and buses and other train lines, or maybe one station closing, or historical trains (“Take the ‘A’ Train” as performed by the Duke Ellington band would be playing), or the transportation museum, or the hidden and unused subway tunnels that show up in myth, or feature Central Park.  There would be discussions of what the food and entertainment and landmarks are like around each stop.

(Actually, it sounds kind of like “Law and Order” or “CSI: New York” but without all the murder and crime and stuff.)

Welcome to my fantasy: “Miracle Subway – Yo!  Welcome to NYC.”